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play the funky music, white boy

manny_coon

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January 5th, 2007

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I wish I knew my mum when she was younger. As a part of the Petersen family, up at Cedar Eden, laughing and drinking, talking with Aunt Kathy, being great friends with all the family. She's really happy in The Petersen family; alot of her heart is there. She fits so perfectly there. Not that she doesn't fit into her present life; in fact, there are lots of parts of her present life that do not mesh perfectly with the Petersen lifestyle. But my Aunt Kathy, Uncle George, Aunt Patty and Gramma are all here for a visit to take Grandma to the airport, and I'm just sitting here, listening to them all chat and catch up. And I can see glimmers of the life my mum used to live when she was married to Ken-Dad. The unbelieveably silly and ridiculous jokes that pass between mum and uncle george (so many silly voices and puns), and I can see the great friendship between mum and aunt kathy. I mean, all this still exists, I just get to see it (or glimmers of it) when mum is back in the Petersen crowd. That's why I love seeing her up at Manutoulin Island. When I think of my mum as a younger woman, just after she had married Ken-dad, or while Graham and Laura were still young babies, that's where I picture her. I like the Fran of that time, in that stage in her life. I hope for times like that in my life. With my siblings and their spouses, when there are kids starting to be born, everyone up at the cottage (or up at Cedar Eden still). That feels like heaven to me. I think mum will become a pretty solid focal point in our adult lives. In the same way that Grandna Petersen has. Especially (though unfortunately) since losing Grandpa, I think we all realize how important Grandma is. I think that's why some of the members of the family have migrated back into the Petersen family life. Ken, Uncle Mike, Ronnie, Nick; they've all come back. Deaths do that I guess.

December 14th, 2006

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I want an adventure. I've always thought I'd like to get my pilot's liscence. Or get scuba certified. Not because I have a passion for either of those, in fact they both kindof scare me, which I think is what attracts me to them. I just want to do something adventerous. I've thought about these things before. Scuba diving is probably more practical and less expensive. But I mentioned a pilot's liscence at Saturday dinner and Glenn kindof lit up. He started talking about how it's possible to get a recreational liscence and whatnot. They also feel very distinct, and I like that. Maybe a roadtrip would satisfy me.


"I'm on the road to find out"

October 19th, 2006

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I deserve an award for the number of times coffee has spilt from my travel mug and stained things in my back pack. Friggin' lame if you ask me.

October 6th, 2006

Karma, what the F!

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Argh! I wish things like this just didn't have to happen in the universe! I know trials and tribulations are sent to test our fortitude and make us stronger, but where is the lesson to be learned in having coffee spill onto your new text books that you just bought today! And I never even usually buy text books. But today I go and spend a nice crisp hundred dollar bill on that friggin' first year music book, and then my coffee from my travel mug goes and stains it all up. And the scarf I'm making now smells like coffee breath! I guess this is all because I took that coffee mug from the staff room at the library. Yeah, that's probably it.

On the plus side, my life is now complete because I have a Billy Bragg Primer back in my life. Seriously, there has been a void in my heart since the concert for having not been able to listen to my Billy.

OMG, this is just like that time last year when I jsut got my new comforter and I spilt tea all on it. Remember? I worte a ranting post just like this one then too. Perhaps this is just my lot inlife.

October 2nd, 2006

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I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I mean, it's not bad, so things must be good. Prof. Cochelin said I could stay in the course, but the way she said it, or the feeling I got from her, was definitely not an overly enthusiastic one. She told me I didnt' have a good memory, though it was in an off-handed way, it still threw me off guard. I don't know, I guess my task is now to, not prove her wrong, just assert my ability and confidence in being able to do well in this class. I don't like staring off this way though. I'm pretty sure I don't work as well on that kind of competative level. I would much prefer if she was supportive of me and had faith in my capabilities. I suppose that's asking alot since I only just met the woman.

On the other hand, that Billy Bragg post is one of the happiest things in my life. Holy cow did it ever make me smile. Also on the positive side, Jon (the Astors asshole) can take his rude comments that Billy wouldn't remember me and shove them right back in his ass face.

Also, Sara, in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, they end up with a feast of pancakes and jellybeans and they were still able to give thanks to the natives and their pilgrim friends.

August 22nd, 2006

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I didn't even realize how much I dont' fit into work. This isn't a complaining post, like they usually are, this is actually a sort of soul searching one. I should really just learn to trust my instincts, they tell me so much. I thought that perhaps I was being closed off or had a bit of an ego problem in that I wasn't good friends with anyone at work and not really interested in being so, but I just constantly realize that it is not entirely my fault. There are just some types of people that I will never, ever be friends with. Through no fault of mine of theirs. Lifestyles and perspectives are just different and it is just not within me to be like them. And most of what Joanne said is true, that everyone really is a jem, and that all I need to do is recognize that and I will be able to appreciate everyone for the uniquness of them etc. but this hoestly runs deeper than that. I think I am able to do that. I think of most people I can be the most capable of that. This however, this situation is actually creating rifts in me. It isn't right that I should have to make myself feel better by watching a Jane Austen movie, or to see my friends just so that I know I am loved by real, good quality people. A part time job should not be causing my so much angst and such unsettling feelings. Trust my instincts, trust my instincts. They have been so, so right.

Alicia, I'm sorry, I can't work there and you working there is that last thing I want for you. You are too special and bright to have to deal with such bullshit. I would never want you to have to deal with these things.

I'm feeling really emotional. Really beaten down, but also oddly strong for now basically knowing and understanding that I am not totally crazy in my feelings. That my feelings are real and that my perspective is valid and, in essence, is right for me. My core tells me that I should not have to put myself through all of this and it's ok. Because Angie shouldn't have to be anyone other than Angie, and she can't be everything and if she doesn't fit perfectly into one situation or another, then that is ok.

July 30th, 2006

I can't tell you how excited I am to have Nav and Komal back... not that I don't love my other friends, it's just been empty lately. Like I said to Allison once... it's just that it's been harder to get a good Euchre or Rummy-Cub group together because there are just fewer people to call. You know? Also, I'm actually really excited about the schedule and rigidness that the school year will bring. I also feel like this year will mean more for my future life than any other year has yet meant. This past year was a pretty big year for decisons, but I didn't actually act on anything, and this year I have to.

I guess, in essence this is one of my drunken posts, since I am fairly drunk, though you can't really tell because I chose to proof-read this one (which I don't usually do). I just had such a good time at Bernie's place, drinking with my brother and Lindsay. I love those two. Oh, the new designations are as follows, just for everyone's clarification. I think these are the permanent names.. hopefully

1315 Avenue Rd. (Laura, Amy and Chandelle's) = Chad's
3226 Mill Rd. (At Burnhamthorpe Rd, Graham and Lindsay's) = Bernie's
3252 Nobleton Dr. (my house and my house only) = Noble Man's Place

July 22nd, 2006

I kindof wish I had overly large flaps of skin that I could just extend out whenever I was too hot. You know how elephants have that neat trick where their blood gets run through their ears and gets cooled down or loses most of it's heat because it's so close to the outside? I think Jack Rabbits do a similar thing in the desert (I'm pretty sure I saw that one on the Magic Schoolbus, Gawd I love that show). Anyway, it would really just be helpful if I could hide my large flaps of skin away, like under my arms or they fold nicely into my back, and then whenever I get overheated I just whip those puppies out into the open and my body just cools itself. Or else I should stop wearing pants. Seriously, everyone needs to trust me on this one, we would all be much happier people is we were pant-less our whole lives. Perhaps I should start a campaign...

"Outta your pants and into the streets!"

July 19th, 2006

I guess I expect alot from work. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should simply accept that I'll never be real friends with these weirdo people, that I'll never be like them. It's not that they're bad people, mainly one-on-one, they are fine and normal and I can talk intelligibly with most of them. But once more than one of them if present, man the conversation takes a real nose dive. And I end up just shutting my mouth because I don't really want to contribute to a conversation about how one of our managers got fired for sleeping with a server, or the amount of sex everyone has been having lately. God it's so lame. I really don't get it. Am I really all that different from my general age-group? or is it simply the environment that festers these sort of under-achievers of life? And I end up hating myself for ever letting my feeling get caught up in these people. It really sucks to have a crush on someone and then to find out that they in fact likes someone else at work (even though he already has a girlfriend... Man it's lame) or else to really like someone else and then realize that he is actually seeing another girl at work, and I then have to sit on the patio and listen to her telling her friends about the sex they had last night. Honestly, I feel like I'm in grade four again. I mainly don't like the way it makes me feel, like I get caught up in these stupid silly emotions, when these people have actual mutual affection and are building real relationships.
I was telling my mum about Joanne from work. She's a really awesome person. I think she's 32, but we just have lots of fun chatting and planning to hang out soon. My mum commented that she's not surprised that I'd be friends with an older person, which made me feel really good. It's true that those are the people I would choose to be friends with. Luckly I do get that most of the year by being in school and being around rather more intellectual people.
I just need to hang out with my sisters and read my books and see my REAL friends and give my best friend the best birthday hug she can imagine. I think I'll go for a walk before I go to bed. I want to breath some fresh air and feel the grass on my toes.
I'm glad I have real things to look forward to. Like the way my friends make me feel, and the time I'll get to spend with them tomorrow. Also, my mum left me a note when I came home and it made me laugh, because I love my mum too.

Have the happiest birthday Allison. Twenty-one years of excellence. I think we are entering our fifteenth year of friendship. That's pretty bloody good if you ask me.

July 16th, 2006

my mood at present

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Today at work I had two people ask me if I was ok, because I "wasn't myself". I asked Gilbert later if he thought I was a bit off or if my mood was noticeably changed and he told me that for the last few days I've been not quite myself. I guess I can understand. I mean, I'm not depressed or anything, but it's really not even all that noticeable for me. I know my mood wasn't rainbows and kisses today, but I'm not being a bitch by any means, I still smile and play along with people's jokes and whatever and I'm still friendly, but for some reason people can see that I'm "not myself". I guess this is a good thing, since, for the most part people are concerned for me, and it's also good that, even though I don't think they're all that drastic, people do pick up on these subtle nuances of my mood. It's somewhat frustrating though, because it sortof makes me feel as though it is impossible for me to act any way other that the way people are used to me being. And it's hard to be confronted with these comments when I have nothing to defend myself with. I can't even say 'oh, I had bad sleep last night and I'm just tired' or 'I think I'm getting sick' or whatever. There is nothing wrong with me, everything is as it should be, I'm just a bit less extreme than I usually tend to be. I guess it's frustrating because I feel like I have to either have an excuse for why I'm in the mood I'm in, or else snap out of it, since there is no concievable reason why I should be in a somewhat less of a stellar mood. This, of course is all crap, because I am entitled to be in whatever mood I so choose. I need not have a reason for having less energy one day than the next. Maybe there is something to biorhythms after all, but that's just how my energy levels go. I guess I just don't want to disappoint anyone. It's all very confusing.
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